this is ridiculous...ly awesome

Remember a time when Coca Cola had cocaine in it?  Before 1903, I mean.  Boy, those were the days.  My house never looked so clean.  And talk about weight loss!

Well in that great spirit, another drug has found it's way into the beverage game.  Weed.  THC.  Pot.  The greatest illegal drug you can find in many houses in America.  Mostly where teenagers named Stu live.  Stu always has the best stuff.

Products like these are perfect for people who would rather eat or drink the THC they need rather than smoke it.  ABC News- you can watch it without pot, but you probably wont want to

The thing is, smoking marijuana is difficult.  You never know how much to inhale.  There's the whole coughing thing (or so I've heard).  And then there's the whole lighter business (I swear, I can find a hundred of them around the house when I don't need them but the second I do... they disappear like socks in a dryer.  It's probably the same person taking socks and lighters.  Someone with a crazy foot and fire fetish.  Someone should look into this...).

Now the drinks are being sold under the guise of medicinal aides.  I forsee no way that this product could fall into the wrong hands.  I mean, show me one instance where cigarettes or alcohol or pornography have fallen into the hands of an audience beyond those the products were intended for!  Actually... show me a million and we'll talk.

With names like Doc Weed, Sour Diesel, and Orange Kush... isn't it obvious that these products are simple medicines?  I mean, take one look at Viagra (being renamed Boner Pills in the fall).  With professional sounding names like that, you can tell they take the responsibility of selling an illegal product in a legal way very seriously.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm heading to Santa Cruz.  I hear they have a weed soda vending machine on 5th and Broadway (right by the elementary school).

Heart disease... I thought that was called love?

Heart disease is running rampant, like a fat kid after an ice cream truck.  It is the number one killer for men.  Second killer of men:  not taking out the trash.  Your Houston News- Bringing you news from Houston, if and when we ever have some

Heart disease is also the number one killer for women.  Here's a lady with a bum ticker:

"I had this little funny feeling in my chest and I asked my doctor about it. He said ‘that's not where your heart is so you're okay'," Jean Durdin, the dealership owner of the Parkway Chevrolet on SH 249, said. "But they sent me off for a test anyway. And come to find out he said 97 percent of my aorta artery was clogged." Your Houston News- Bringing you news from Houston, if and when we ever have some

More than one out of every four women dies due to heart disease.  The others die in car accidents usually.  Women drivers... am I right, fellas?

Plaque buildup seems to be a major contributor.  So make sure to brush your arteries twice a day.  We recommend Colgate.  Gives your heart that minty fresh feeling.

Exercising and eating right are listed as effective means of treating plaque buildup (we still recommend the toothpaste).  But how can we exercise and eat properly?  I mean, I'd do Wii Fit more if I had more room in my living room.  I'd stop going out to eat but I don't have any clean dishes.  As for pull ups... those are just too fucking hard.  I think I'll save up for liposuction.

No word yet on whether heart disease has been arrested for mass murder.

John Goodge answers questions about Antarctica

*Editors note: This post has been removed because no one gives a shit

Nicolas Cage on his money: "I don't know where it went!"

Foreclosures: a victimless crime; unless you count all the homeless people.  Something that happens a great deal among us "regular joes" (not so much to the "above average tims" and "not so great bills") but is rarely associated to celebrities (unless you count Michael Jackson, Nicolas Cage, Whitney Houston, Ed McMahon, Evander Holyfield, Jose Canseco, Arethra Franklin, Stephen Baldwin, Victoria Gotti, and the ever popular Doug E. Fresh).

Nicolas Cage had to "Face Off" with the bank and New Orleans for the great sum he owed (I'm guessing a little over $2.53 in mortgages, maybe $0.12 in property taxes).  He should have reconsidered "Leaving Las Vegas" and maybe kept his job as a "Sorcerer's Apprentice."  Alas, his house was pretty much "Gone in 60 Seconds."

Veronica Hearst can count herself among the lucky ones losing a home.  Veronica is of course the widow of Randolph Hearst (son of William Randolph Hearst).  Her inability to pay her mortgage resulted in the imminent foreclosure.  Some say this is due to her spending a lot of money on rosebuds.

Erin Moran (Happy Days/Joanie Loves Chachi) is also among the list of celebrities facing foreclosure.  Oh, sorry.  This article is about celebrities.

It's a sad day when even the rich and famous can't afford their bills.  Although to be fair, they do spend their money on ridiculous things like shark tanks for their living rooms, diamond toilet roll holders, and pits for lions and tigers and bears.  Oh my.

So who's really to blame?  The banks for increasing the values on adjustable rate mortgages?  The cities for charging so much in property taxes? The houses for being so damn expensive?

No one knows.  Except maybe God.  But no one can reach him because he's been really busy playing Call of Duty since it hit shelves.  He's getting pretty good...  I mean...he's already prestiged 12 times!  And if you run into him and he's got Second Chance Pro on?  Ha... good luck taking him down!

There's always an upside to every negative thing in the world.  Where one door closes another opens.  I mean, no house means no house payments.  There's always a silver lining. 

Unless you spent the silver on back taxes.

First World War II, now this!?

The world is filled with a great many professions.  Jobs that help our society flourish and grow.  The basic building block that keeps our world heading in a morally sound place.

Like pornstars.

"Sexy Cora" (we're thinking that's a biblical name) fell into a coma before suffering a deadly case of death in Hamburg yesterday during her much anticipated breast enlargement surgery.  Family and masturbators alike are mourning the loss.  CNN- stands for Comas Nullifying Nymphos

People aren't sure whether it's the German doctors' slow reaction time (it took the doctor about 20 minutes to respond because his favorite episode of Friends was on.  You know, the one where Ross gets back together with Rachel.  That was a good one) or the anesthesia (a huge mallet made by the Warner Bros. conglomerate Acme) to blame. 

This was her sixth breast related surgery. This surgery would have put her chest from an F (as in F*** those are huge!) to a G (as in God those are f***ing huge!).  The New York Post- Posting News that The Yorks want

Advocates that hate awesome things are saying that young women shouldn't make their boobs and faces nicer to look at in light of this.  However, some people desperately need the surgery... lest they live their lives as very, very ugly.

Don't Text and Dive

Viral sensations.  Videos on Youtube that make us laugh, then cry, then laugh again, then cry again from laughing so hard.

A woman was texting while walking in the mall. She wasn't looking at her surroundings. This is amateur stuff.  Texting 101 (now offered at colleges worldwide).  You have to pay attention to huge things around you.  Like fountains.

The woman fell in a huge fountain because the text she was sending ("LOL like OMG i'm going to fall into a fountain!") was more important than any person or object that was standing in her way.

The video has been viewed at least 3 times and the employee (yes, employee of the same mall that the accident took place in... you'd think that she'd know where the fountain at her own work is located, but there you go) is threatening legal action.  Fox News- When you need the news quickly, not accurately

According to sources it's not the fact that it happened that rationalizes a stupid lawsuit, it's that a mall security guard released the video embarrassing her. She didn't want the rest of America to know that she had walked straight into a fountain. Her appearance on Good Morning America connecting the video to her face was perhaps a dumb move then.

To make this story even less mundane information has come out which shows the woman is a criminal.  She owes a few thousand dollars in restitution for using a coworker's cards.  I'm assuming she didn't have permission. 

Her hope is to get house arrest instead of jail time which sounds smart... until she falls into her bathtub while texting in the house and sues herself.  As unlikely as that may sound... the fountain incident wasn't the first time her texting and walking has gotten her into trouble...

I wonder if he has pointy elf ears...

Orlando Bloom bore a son recently, proving once and for all that two men can procreate.