this is ridiculous...ly awesome

Remember a time when Coca Cola had cocaine in it?  Before 1903, I mean.  Boy, those were the days.  My house never looked so clean.  And talk about weight loss!

Well in that great spirit, another drug has found it's way into the beverage game.  Weed.  THC.  Pot.  The greatest illegal drug you can find in many houses in America.  Mostly where teenagers named Stu live.  Stu always has the best stuff.

Products like these are perfect for people who would rather eat or drink the THC they need rather than smoke it.  ABC News- you can watch it without pot, but you probably wont want to

The thing is, smoking marijuana is difficult.  You never know how much to inhale.  There's the whole coughing thing (or so I've heard).  And then there's the whole lighter business (I swear, I can find a hundred of them around the house when I don't need them but the second I do... they disappear like socks in a dryer.  It's probably the same person taking socks and lighters.  Someone with a crazy foot and fire fetish.  Someone should look into this...).

Now the drinks are being sold under the guise of medicinal aides.  I forsee no way that this product could fall into the wrong hands.  I mean, show me one instance where cigarettes or alcohol or pornography have fallen into the hands of an audience beyond those the products were intended for!  Actually... show me a million and we'll talk.

With names like Doc Weed, Sour Diesel, and Orange Kush... isn't it obvious that these products are simple medicines?  I mean, take one look at Viagra (being renamed Boner Pills in the fall).  With professional sounding names like that, you can tell they take the responsibility of selling an illegal product in a legal way very seriously.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm heading to Santa Cruz.  I hear they have a weed soda vending machine on 5th and Broadway (right by the elementary school).

Heart disease... I thought that was called love?

Heart disease is running rampant, like a fat kid after an ice cream truck.  It is the number one killer for men.  Second killer of men:  not taking out the trash.  Your Houston News- Bringing you news from Houston, if and when we ever have some

Heart disease is also the number one killer for women.  Here's a lady with a bum ticker:

"I had this little funny feeling in my chest and I asked my doctor about it. He said ‘that's not where your heart is so you're okay'," Jean Durdin, the dealership owner of the Parkway Chevrolet on SH 249, said. "But they sent me off for a test anyway. And come to find out he said 97 percent of my aorta artery was clogged." Your Houston News- Bringing you news from Houston, if and when we ever have some

More than one out of every four women dies due to heart disease.  The others die in car accidents usually.  Women drivers... am I right, fellas?

Plaque buildup seems to be a major contributor.  So make sure to brush your arteries twice a day.  We recommend Colgate.  Gives your heart that minty fresh feeling.

Exercising and eating right are listed as effective means of treating plaque buildup (we still recommend the toothpaste).  But how can we exercise and eat properly?  I mean, I'd do Wii Fit more if I had more room in my living room.  I'd stop going out to eat but I don't have any clean dishes.  As for pull ups... those are just too fucking hard.  I think I'll save up for liposuction.

No word yet on whether heart disease has been arrested for mass murder.

John Goodge answers questions about Antarctica

*Editors note: This post has been removed because no one gives a shit

Nicolas Cage on his money: "I don't know where it went!"

Foreclosures: a victimless crime; unless you count all the homeless people.  Something that happens a great deal among us "regular joes" (not so much to the "above average tims" and "not so great bills") but is rarely associated to celebrities (unless you count Michael Jackson, Nicolas Cage, Whitney Houston, Ed McMahon, Evander Holyfield, Jose Canseco, Arethra Franklin, Stephen Baldwin, Victoria Gotti, and the ever popular Doug E. Fresh).

Nicolas Cage had to "Face Off" with the bank and New Orleans for the great sum he owed (I'm guessing a little over $2.53 in mortgages, maybe $0.12 in property taxes).  He should have reconsidered "Leaving Las Vegas" and maybe kept his job as a "Sorcerer's Apprentice."  Alas, his house was pretty much "Gone in 60 Seconds."

Veronica Hearst can count herself among the lucky ones losing a home.  Veronica is of course the widow of Randolph Hearst (son of William Randolph Hearst).  Her inability to pay her mortgage resulted in the imminent foreclosure.  Some say this is due to her spending a lot of money on rosebuds.

Erin Moran (Happy Days/Joanie Loves Chachi) is also among the list of celebrities facing foreclosure.  Oh, sorry.  This article is about celebrities.

It's a sad day when even the rich and famous can't afford their bills.  Although to be fair, they do spend their money on ridiculous things like shark tanks for their living rooms, diamond toilet roll holders, and pits for lions and tigers and bears.  Oh my.

So who's really to blame?  The banks for increasing the values on adjustable rate mortgages?  The cities for charging so much in property taxes? The houses for being so damn expensive?

No one knows.  Except maybe God.  But no one can reach him because he's been really busy playing Call of Duty since it hit shelves.  He's getting pretty good...  I mean...he's already prestiged 12 times!  And if you run into him and he's got Second Chance Pro on?  Ha... good luck taking him down!

There's always an upside to every negative thing in the world.  Where one door closes another opens.  I mean, no house means no house payments.  There's always a silver lining. 

Unless you spent the silver on back taxes.

First World War II, now this!?

The world is filled with a great many professions.  Jobs that help our society flourish and grow.  The basic building block that keeps our world heading in a morally sound place.

Like pornstars.

"Sexy Cora" (we're thinking that's a biblical name) fell into a coma before suffering a deadly case of death in Hamburg yesterday during her much anticipated breast enlargement surgery.  Family and masturbators alike are mourning the loss.  CNN- stands for Comas Nullifying Nymphos

People aren't sure whether it's the German doctors' slow reaction time (it took the doctor about 20 minutes to respond because his favorite episode of Friends was on.  You know, the one where Ross gets back together with Rachel.  That was a good one) or the anesthesia (a huge mallet made by the Warner Bros. conglomerate Acme) to blame. 

This was her sixth breast related surgery. This surgery would have put her chest from an F (as in F*** those are huge!) to a G (as in God those are f***ing huge!).  The New York Post- Posting News that The Yorks want

Advocates that hate awesome things are saying that young women shouldn't make their boobs and faces nicer to look at in light of this.  However, some people desperately need the surgery... lest they live their lives as very, very ugly.

Don't Text and Dive

Viral sensations.  Videos on Youtube that make us laugh, then cry, then laugh again, then cry again from laughing so hard.

A woman was texting while walking in the mall. She wasn't looking at her surroundings. This is amateur stuff.  Texting 101 (now offered at colleges worldwide).  You have to pay attention to huge things around you.  Like fountains.

The woman fell in a huge fountain because the text she was sending ("LOL like OMG i'm going to fall into a fountain!") was more important than any person or object that was standing in her way.

The video has been viewed at least 3 times and the employee (yes, employee of the same mall that the accident took place in... you'd think that she'd know where the fountain at her own work is located, but there you go) is threatening legal action.  Fox News- When you need the news quickly, not accurately

According to sources it's not the fact that it happened that rationalizes a stupid lawsuit, it's that a mall security guard released the video embarrassing her. She didn't want the rest of America to know that she had walked straight into a fountain. Her appearance on Good Morning America connecting the video to her face was perhaps a dumb move then.

To make this story even less mundane information has come out which shows the woman is a criminal.  She owes a few thousand dollars in restitution for using a coworker's cards.  I'm assuming she didn't have permission. 

Her hope is to get house arrest instead of jail time which sounds smart... until she falls into her bathtub while texting in the house and sues herself.  As unlikely as that may sound... the fountain incident wasn't the first time her texting and walking has gotten her into trouble...

I wonder if he has pointy elf ears...

Orlando Bloom bore a son recently, proving once and for all that two men can procreate.

Walmart tackling healthy food? That's like Sarah Palin tackling intelligence...

Over the next five years you may notice a difference with Walmart (don't worry, it will still offer Mac and Me for $3.50).

In accordance with the Let's Move campaign, Walmart will start featuring healthier foods at lower prices.  No longer will you be drawn to the 10 king size candy bars for a nickel or the 50 gallon ice cream jugs for 6 bucks.  Instead, you will find yourself buying salads and other rabbit based foods.

First victim of the delicious food massacre:  sodium.  Sodium (an essential ingredient in a Russian spy flick starring Angelina Jolie) will be cut by 25%.  It is no doubt this is just a stepping stone towards outlawing salt completely.  CNN- stands for Cook Nothing NaCl

First lady Michelle Obama (not to be confused with our Mormon President's Second through Sixth ladies) had this to say:

“To say I’m excited is probably an understatement because we’re really gaining some momentum on this issue”  AMNY- 2nd only to The Missoulian in hard hitting journalism

The ultimate goal is to have kids that look skinny because everyone knows looks are of far greater importance than personality.

With childhood obesity in danger of extinction there are many things we stand to lose.  The Truffle Shuffle.  Awesome cannonball splashes.  The only thing that makes Drew Carey funny. 

I guess this just proves that living longer will always be more important to society than eating food that tastes good.  But taste isn't the only thing matters to those deciding what to eat.

This guy said this:

 "No family should have to choose between food that is healthier for them and food they can afford," said Bill Simon, president and CEO of Wal-Mart's U.S. division.  USA Today- giving you today's news today

Luckily some Walmarts will still have a McDonalds... which means that you can still get your sodium fix at the front of the store.  If your Walmart has a Subway just go across to the street to that Walmart.  They've probably got one.

Whether this will impact the community... time will tell.  Whether people will continue to buy the food that tastes good over what's good for us remains to be seen.  Will we see a rise in lemons and decline in Lemonheads?

Probably not.

I don't remember her

This just in.  It appears Jennifer Hudson (star of a Fox TV show about bad singers whose families and friends tell them they're good singers for a cheap laugh) has released a new album.  It's titled "I Remember Me."  She's the only one who does.

You may remember her from the movie Dreamgirls.  It's a movie where she dreamed about one day becoming a girl.  It was a biography.

This just in... again.  No one plans on buying the album.  Not even Jennifer Hudson.

Here's a fake graph I obtained from March 22nd, 2012 (one year after the CD's release).

My source (a crying begging girl from New Jersey's Audition on this season's American Idol) told me that she will be singing a duet with another popular contestant from the show's past.  This contestant wowed not only the judges and top recording executives, but also went to win the entire season by winning over all of America.  Every episode he was unanimously voted to win.  The show only made it to the semifinals because of that fact.  This man was the epitome of an American Idol.  His song styling, vocals, and harmonizing were on par with some of the greatest singers of the last century.  His records have sold in the trillions and he has reached a level of stardom that many have coveted but none have achieved. 

I know.  His first performance sends shivers down the spine.  His greatness will never be matched, on this planet or any other.

Despite the duet (a remake of the song "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls) there is little hope for this album.  Unless the economy fails, the American dollar loses all value and we're all forced to exchange bad CDs as currency.

Do you have an extra $250 lying around? Can I borrow it?

Yes what would a new year be without a new game system?  No honestly, I'm wondering.  Since I've been alive there's always been game systems and I'm curious as to what life was like when you weren't saving up and recklessly forgoing food and shelter for the newest Japanese game console.

March 27th (that's two days before March 29th) marks the launch of the Nintendo 3DS.  The 3D part of the name isn't just there to sound cool (which is good because they would have failed on that front).  This new worthless piece of technology will have cameras all over the damn place which allow you to take pictures in 3D which is important to some people (stupid people with $250 lying around... again, can I borrow it?  I'll gladly pay you Thursday for $250 today).

Something that isn't ridiculous is the virtual console, which if you own a Wii you may be familiar with.  It allows you to download games from your past (or your father's past, you young bastards with huge allowances that allow you to have $250 lying around).  This kind of thing will probably be lost on the new generation who hate 2D graphics and need something that projects things in 3D.  Like this handheld console. 

Good news for those who are annoyed by not getting enough exercise while they sit on their asses to play video games!  The game will have a weird sort of currency system (not as weird as the Euro, but close) that collects coins for each step you take.  It's like a huge pedometer that is more expensive and less convenient to travel with.  My advice if you want coins to buy Nintendo content?  Put the 3DS in a paint shaker at your local hardware store for a couple hours. 

So what else can we expect?  Who knows.  Oh, these guys do.  Nintendo 3DS- because things were never 3D before

Let's commence Operation Redunancy

The news has been newsing it seems.  The House is in the process of trying to repeal (like what you try to do with a banana when you want to save it for later, only less messy and less stupid) the health care reform imposed by Obama.  CNN- it stands for Can't Nobody Negotiate?

Luckily for Republicans the Blue Dog coalition has some Democrats who may vote alongside them.  The Purple Dog coalition is against it, the Red Dog coalition is still undecided and the Yellow Dog coalition is in the process of changing its name because its name sounds ridiculous.  USA Today- proud supporter of USA Tomorrow

The real victims here aren't the tax payers who would see an increase in deficit, or the sick who would lose health care, or even the businesses who are obligated to cover insurance for their workers... the real victims would be the elderly who were given $250 to help cover prescription costs.  We all know how much money $250 is to old people.  Back in their day that would have allowed them to buy a new television (black and white of course), a horse and buggy, a cotton gin, a cave that's dinosaur adjacent, and still give them enough money for a moon pie while they ride the trolley back home.

Although with numbers like $1.5 trillion (deficit increase if law is passed) being thrown around, $250 seems like such a small number.  By the way what comes after trillion?  I know we'll find out in the next couple of months because that's when our deficit will reach the new number but I'm still curious.  I'm thinking kajillion.

The problem with the repeal going through (which it did) is that it could be a short lived victory... or rather an empty one.  President Obama can just choose to ignore it with the ever effective power of veto.  This power was apparently bestowed upon him by the Knights of Standards and Practices and the Chief Administrator of the Templar society.

Whatever the outcome, this will still cost you a lot of money. 

Does this mean Christopher Walken is going to kill her?

When I look at Anne Hathaway, I don't see a cat.  To be frank, I don't see a woman either.  However Christopher Nolan thinks differently.  Because he likes ruining things, he thinks he's found the perfect Catwoman for  his new feature film:  The Dark Knight Rises.  And no... this isn't a sequel to the widely popular critically acclaimed drama Black Knight.

Hathaway joins the ranks of such memorable Catwomen as Eartha Kitt (memorable for speech impediments), Michelle Pfeiffer (memorable for being hot), and Halle Berry (memorable for making you want to shove an ice pick into both eyes).

Lots of ideas for costumes are sure to surface now... but let me offer up some of mine.  They took me five minutes to come up with and I'm quite proud of them.

Whichever one of my costumes they pick, I'm sure it will be a great movie.  Unless Christian Bale is in it.  Wait... he's in this one?  But didn't anyone see the first two movies?  He overemphasizes the iconic "Batman voice."  He might as well be speaking Tagalog cuz I can't understand a damn thing he's saying.  Jesus... where's Adam West when you need him?

Heath Ledger hasn't been reached for comment on whether or not he'll be reprising his role as the Joker.

I wonder if they'll serve Chinese...

It would appear that President Obama (reality tv star of "Viva La Bama") is throwing a dinner party for some Chinese guy.  No not Tony Jaa (he's not Chinese).  Not Jackie Chan (he's not a guy).  His name is Hu Jintao.  He's the President over there.  According to my sources (Wikipedia) he's a communist technocrat.  I think that means he likes techno about communism.

As if dinner with the President isn't stressful enough ("You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think he might be interested but do I want to be interested but now he's not interested?") he then has to visit Chicago.  The Detroit of Illinois.  Which they might as well just call "New Michigan."  Then they could call Chicago "New Detroit."  But I digress.

Rev. Patrick Mahoney voiced his voice by voicing:

"While the guests are dining on expensive and extravagant food there will be scores who will be oppressed and placed behind bars by the Chinese government because of their faith and political beliefs; people like Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Liu Xiaobo who is in prison."  CNN- Chinese President, Dinner, Obama, and leftovers for all to bring home

How is that different from anyone else who's eating, extravagant food or not?  At least they're working on the problem (ideally).  It's more than I'm doing while I eat this fantastic bowl of Beef Flavored Top Ramen.  My point is (I have a point?) that people will be oppressed and jailed whether the President has dinner tonight or not.

Money appears to be an issue as well.  A far greater issue than human rights.  As it should be.

"China's currency is like a boot on the throat of America's economic recovery," Schumer said.  CNN- Chinese President, Dinner, Obama, and leftovers for all to bring home

Silly Schumer.  Italy's a boot.  China's more of a cornflake.

Needless to say there are hard feelings and this dinner is important.  And not just because Emeril is the chef.  There's talk of espionage.  Real talk, which is the most authentic talk there is.

“China is investing in very high-end, high-tech capabilities. And the question that is always out there is to try to understand exactly why,” Mullen asked. “Many of these capabilities seem to be focused very specifically on the United States.”  Fox News- News about Foxes

Despite the hard hitting honest news from the source, whether or not espionage is happening is a small problem compared to the big question on most of America's minds...

"What impact will this have on products that are 'Made in China?'"

Has the Green Lantern been blindsided?

Apparently this is news for some reason.  Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. No not the Proposal 2.  Thankfully. 

People started talking. And you know what they say about talking.  Talking leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering.  Suffering leads to these two in bed together. 

Or does it?

The two aren't together.  So Sandra said to Al Roker, anyways.  Although to be fair, I'd probably lie to Al Roker.  I don't trust his journalistic integrity.  Mostly because after thorough research I've discovered that "the woods" don't have "necks."

Let's look closer into what Sandra had to say...

"I don't get his loving after dark."  On The Red Carpet

Hmmm... aha!

Further examination reveals the clue that leads to the truth...

She said after dark... well there's a lot of time for loving before dark.

Although a recent photograph did come to light recently which may prove Sandra's candor...

Would a straight man wear this?

Case closed.