A new American Pie? Be still my heart!

That's right, geeky Michelle and geekier Jim will be playing in a new movie which will find them with a child at their ten year reunion.  Dime Wars- A dime is how much this movie will make

It's going to suck.

To be fair, they asked for salt around the rim of the sippy cup...

In Detroit, a city where nothing bad ever happens, something bad happened. 

Applebee's is in a great deal of trouble after "inadvertenly" serving alcohol to an extreme minor.  And by extreme minor, I mean a 15 month old.  Fox News- What's the big deal? We mix things up, like the truth and fiction, all the time...

Either the legal age has gone WAY down or someone f***ed up. 

A mother ordered her son an applejuice with his meal and somehow he was served a margarita in a sippy cup... which is exactly how I like mine served.

The mother didn't notice anything was amiss until her son started acting very untoddler-like... speaking incoherently... giggling to excess... and his inability to drive properly.

The strangest part about an alcoholic drink being served to their table was that NO alcohol was ordered at the table. A mix up to this degree hasn't happened since Jeff Goldblum and a fly tested the extent of genetics.

Apparently the drink came from a container with the wrong label.  Which makes sense.  I mean Margarita is so similar to Apple Juice in spelling and color... it's an easy mistake we've all made.

This isn't the first time an incident has happened.  In New York, a 5 year old was given a Long Island Iced Tea. 

His fake I.D. must've been brilliant.

New Dinosaur gives credibility to worst career choice a person can make

Ghost Ranch, New Mexico now has a claim to fame besides being the most ridiculous named city in the United States.  They have discovered a new dinosaur, which they have affectionately titled "buck toothed evil lizard."

The dinosaur looks something like this...

I know... pretty horrifying.  However, in it's day, it was a champion card player.  No one could see through its poker face.

The dinosaur is being considered a missing link between species of the "early" dinos and the "later" ones.  The "early" ones are best categorized as extremely polite and punctual whereas the "late" ones usually turned out to be pregnant.

This dino, which lived about 205 million years ago (ten years after Larry King was born), probably fed on other dinosaurs and small animals.  This means it was a meat eater... like the Tyrannasaurus or Carmen Electra.

The dinosaur may have died in any number of ways.  Most likely?  Volcanic activity.  Least likely?  Bookies breaking both his legs and tossing him into the river for a refusal to pay back gambling debts after going for a "sure thing" with the Lakers.

Some guy who studies dinos and therefore, hasn't been laid, said this:

"It just shows that even here in the United States, there are still many new dinosaurs to be found." CNN- when it's four in the morning and you're sick of infomercials... why not give US a try?

To children this means new dinosaurs to invoke the imagination... to parents this means new toys you have to purchase for said children to prove that you love them. 

For us it means a fourth movie with Sam Neill.  I hope he's not busy with another film... ha ha ha... oh man... try saying THAT with a straight face!

Japan has invaded Norway!

Japan has mastered something they've been working on for years.  No, not an effective weapon against nuclear enhanced komodo dragons.

Cyborgs... that can dance.

It's a terrifying world we live in.  The future is now. 

Oh no! Someone get GI Joe on Line 3, ASAP

Poisonous cobras.  The most poisonous of all venomous cobras.  When one escapes, handcuffs are useless.  There is no S.S.W.A.T. (Snake Special Weapons and Tactics) Team.  I mean, if Michael Madsen can't defend himself against a snake... the average zoo patron doesn't stand a chance.

Therein lies the dilemma at the Bronx Zoo in New York.  MSNBC- Ok, so Bing sucked. But does Google have its own news station?

An Egyptian Cobra escaped from it's home (although to be fair, it's not necessarily a home, but more of a prison) on Friday.  Apparently one second the glass barrier was there... and the next, it was gone. 

Daniel Radcliffe is being held for questioning.

Snake experts state that they've got the situation contained, as the snake didn't leave the reptile house and is isolated from the visitors at the zoo.  This being said, they don't know where the snake is, don't have a solid game plan on capturing the snake, and seem to be using ambiguous quotes that really give no solace to satiate the public. 

Like this one:

"To understand the situation, you have to understand snakes," zoo Director Jim Breheny said in an email Sunday.  MSNBC- Snakes and Politicians... sometimes one in the same

At this point, our approach to handling chaotic situations has given me little faith against the dangers of modern day problems.  Katrina happened and the relief effort was a disaster.  It took how long to stop the oil spill by BP?  Now we've got problems in Japan, a place of great technological stability and ingenuity, and in 2011 there is a major nuclear problem causing irreperable damage to the people and places there.  I could be expecting too much, but in our modern day with all the amazing things at our disposal... I would hope that we'd have a better handle on the unexpected.  Now we can't handle a snake... one snake... in a contained area? 

Luckily, the snake won't attack anyone unless it feels threatened.  Which is good to release... because before this article came out, people were taunting it's ability to commit in a relationship, holding it up at gun point, and shouting vulgar words at loud decibels at it. 

Certain people state that Egyptian cobras were known as asps in ancient times.  In fact, an asp was used by Cleopatra to assist in her suicide.

Whether the asp on the loose is that same one from antiquity remains to be seen.

More like... Lois "Lame!"

Zack Snyder, you ignorant slut.

It has been released that Amy Adams will portray Lois Lane in the rebooted Superman film.  Apparently the same girl who always seems to play the neurotic, whiny, clumsy, girly girl is the perfect choice for the strong, capable, stubborn, and hard headed woman from DC comic book lore.  Yahoo! News- not to be confused with a popular chocolatey drink

Everyone is currently anticipating Snyder's press release revealing Elton John as Lex Luthor.

When asked why he finally decided on the same woman who played such forgettable roles as the one chick from Talladega Nights (yeah, you don't remember her name either, do you?), Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, The Ex, Underdog, Enchanted, Sunshine Cleaning, and Cruel Intentions 2... Snyder said, "It was between her and Peter Gallagher but Peter was already in the middle of filming another movie with a director who was actually good at making films."

A reboot is supposed to recreate a franchise... to make it appealing to a new generation.  If this film was intended to be such a thing, Snyder is failing miserably. 

When you pick someone for a role, you need to consider what their natural talents are.  The personality they have, what they're able to portray themselves as, how capable they are at their chosen craft.  You don't put Michael Cera as President George Washington.  Or the weakling from The New Guy as Thor.  You can't put Lindsay Lohan as Mother Theresa and Tom Hanks could never pull off a role as a sadistic cannibalistic serial killer.

People are already reserving seats in the theater that they are purposely not going to fill in the hopes that less people will be able to view this movie.
There is some good news despite all this...

The new Superman movie won't be out until December 2012, meaning we might be dead before it comes out (C'mon Mayan prophecy!)

this is ridiculous...ly awesome

Remember a time when Coca Cola had cocaine in it?  Before 1903, I mean.  Boy, those were the days.  My house never looked so clean.  And talk about weight loss!

Well in that great spirit, another drug has found it's way into the beverage game.  Weed.  THC.  Pot.  The greatest illegal drug you can find in many houses in America.  Mostly where teenagers named Stu live.  Stu always has the best stuff.

Products like these are perfect for people who would rather eat or drink the THC they need rather than smoke it.  ABC News- you can watch it without pot, but you probably wont want to

The thing is, smoking marijuana is difficult.  You never know how much to inhale.  There's the whole coughing thing (or so I've heard).  And then there's the whole lighter business (I swear, I can find a hundred of them around the house when I don't need them but the second I do... they disappear like socks in a dryer.  It's probably the same person taking socks and lighters.  Someone with a crazy foot and fire fetish.  Someone should look into this...).

Now the drinks are being sold under the guise of medicinal aides.  I forsee no way that this product could fall into the wrong hands.  I mean, show me one instance where cigarettes or alcohol or pornography have fallen into the hands of an audience beyond those the products were intended for!  Actually... show me a million and we'll talk.

With names like Doc Weed, Sour Diesel, and Orange Kush... isn't it obvious that these products are simple medicines?  I mean, take one look at Viagra (being renamed Boner Pills in the fall).  With professional sounding names like that, you can tell they take the responsibility of selling an illegal product in a legal way very seriously.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm heading to Santa Cruz.  I hear they have a weed soda vending machine on 5th and Broadway (right by the elementary school).